长大的女儿是父母心脏的癌症

　　  作者：廖宛虹
　　女儿念大学第一次离开家的时候，我只在门外车道上简单地叮嘱了她几句话就匆匆进门去了，因为我不希望让她看到我那就快掉下来的眼泪。
　　进了家门，我一下子冲到客厅的落地窗前，因为从那里，我可以看到女儿开着车子离开的最后背影。女儿养了十年的那只老猫也紧紧地靠在我的脚边，我们四只眼睛呆呆地在玻璃后目送着我女儿，秋天金色的阳光凝滞在那里，恍如隔世。
　　直到女儿消逝了好久，我才突然发现，原来我早已是泪水如注。还好，我真的做到了：我总算是没有让女儿看到我的眼泪。几天前，我就陪她一起去学校把她的宿 舍里的东西都安置好了，然后又车着她一起回家过了劳工节，磨蹭到最后这一天，是女儿不得不离开家的时侯了。在她走之前，我就下了决心，我这个当妈妈给她准 备了很多很多的东西要让她带走，但是有一件东西是绝对不能让她带走的，那就是我的那份伤感和不舍。
　　当年在我念大学离开家的时候，我也 是事先就跟爸爸妈妈讲好，我长大了，他们不用送我了，我要自己去车站搭公车，爸爸妈妈在屋里跟我哽咽着道别之后，又跟着我的脚步走到了家门口，在那里，我 又再次跟他们道别，他们也跟我挥挥手，但是他们的脚步并没有停下来，却仍然跟着我的脚在走。从我们家到公车站大概有十分钟的路程，结果我父母一直忍着眼泪 陪我一路走到车站。车来了，我拎着行李上去了，转背往后一看，父母在车下哭得一塌糊涂，一边叫着我的小名，一边还在用泪眼往车上寻找着我－－－
　　这就是我在上大学离别父母的那一幕，没想到那一幕竟然成了我毕生最大的负担和最深的痛：因为我最亲爱的爸爸妈妈把他们的不舍和伤感留给了我，让我无论在世界上任何地方，脑海里总是会浮现他们悲凉的离别面容，让我的心一阵一阵地绞痛。
　　在以后四年的大学生涯里，凡是放寒暑假的时候，我总是比同学们最先登上返家的火车，因为我知道，那天父母一定会早早地就在家门口不停地张望，我知道他们盼啊，盼啊，盼了整整一学期，最后这一天就在一分一秒地等啊等啊，等着我出现在他们眼前。
　　在大学毕业的时候，我放弃了去外省工作的机会，和男友一起要求分回了家乡，那就是因为＂父母在，不远游，＂想陪在我那饱经苦难的父母身边，让他们常常能看到我。
　　很快我就和我的男友结了婚，老公的单位和我相隔很远，我们都各自住在自己单位的集体宿舍里，没有安置一个共同的家——因为我父母的家就是我们的家。一到 星期六，我们就忙不迭地往家赶——不久后婚姻破裂，在我伤心欲绝地时候，我前夫这样对我说：＂如果我们当初不分回老家和你父母挨在一起，就不会有今天的悲 剧。＂我当时觉得他一派胡言，男人，不要为自己的无耻找借口！
　　那之后，尽管有＂父母在，不远游＂的古训，可是伤心之地，实在没有了我的容身之地，还是狠下一条心，流浪世界去了。
　　那一天黄昏，因为我这次是真的要出远门了，我父母把我一直送到火车站，我爸爸的头发已经花白，妈妈的背也已经有点弯了，火车一动，他们就大声地哭起来，这次伤心得象生离死别，连手都没有抬起来给我挥别说再见－－－
　　还没有等我在这个世界上站稳脚跟，我爸爸突然之间抽手就走了，我觉得那是因为我先走了，我先离开了他，抛弃了他，是我这个女儿成了他心脏的癌症，把他折磨走了。
　　所以，当我自己的女儿要离开家的时候，我就一直告诫自己，第一，不要哭，想哭也要忍住；第二，要是实在忍不住要哭，也要躲着哭，不能让女儿看见；我要在 女儿面前显得潇洒乐观，让孩子轻轻松松高高兴兴地走，因为我不想像我父母那样用眼泪把那份不舍和伤感传给我女儿，我怕那也会成为她一辈子的负担。
　　果然，我的目的达到了，女儿这几年真的可以说是无忧无虑，我这当然不是指她学业各方面的，而是说她对我和她爸爸无忧无虑，对我们从来不觉得内疚也没有什 么亏欠感。她鲜少回来，回来时也只是短暂驻足，来去匆匆，那可真的是＂儿行千里母担忧，母行千里儿不愁＂啊。尽管我每一次都望眼欲穿地盼着她回来，但是我 从来都不主动问她什么时候回来，只是在家默默地等啊等啊，就等她来告诉我哪天要回家，有时侯等来的是一句话的短信，有时侯是一句话的电邮，有时侯在临回来 的前一天还突然改变计划不回来了，让我白忙一场空，打扫好的房间冷冷地在那里，一冰箱的菜静静地在那里，一颗心更是酸酸地在那里，但我从来都没有责备过她 半句。
　　而女儿呢，她好多次都亲口对我说，她有一个最好的妈妈，因为她的妈妈和其他的中国妈妈都不一样，这个妈妈非常地酷，从来都不黏着她，从来也不过分地要求她，她说她生命中走过的二十一年，每一年都觉得自己非常地幸福和幸运！
　　通常女儿幸福，妈妈当然也就觉得幸福，可是无论如何，我都觉得幸福不起来，或者说是幸福这两个字离我很遥远。
　　好像女儿留在家里那些小动物也是幸福不起来似的。首先是女儿在家时养的那只猫，岁月匆匆下来，现在也变成名符其实的老猫一只了，以前女儿在家时陪着它嬉 戏玩耍，其乐融融，如今老猫已十几岁，垂垂老将至，整天在家睡大觉，连沙发都跳不上去了。去年夏天女儿又搬了宿舍，那里的新规定是连小小的宠物都不能养， 结果女儿又把她的两只小老鼠给我拎回来了。
　　小老鼠活力四溅，在笼子里窜上跳下，制造各种噪音就是为了要引起我的注意。我只好不停地喂它们，逗它们，小老鼠吃得多也拉得多，我还不得不常常给它们清洗笼子。
　　前一阵我得了网球肘，很长一段时间都不能用右手做事，再也不能把小老鼠笼子拎到外边去冲洗了，老猫更是满地大小便，我真的是照顾不下它们来了。很多朋友 都叫我把老猫送去安乐死，把小老鼠拿去送给别人，但是我不能啊，因为每次到了吃饭时间，它们就守在一处，六只眼睛就那样滴溜溜地看着我，那么依赖着我，我 舍不得跟它们说再见啊，它们是女儿留给我的啊，她不在家，可还有这些小老鼠小猫陪着我啊，跟它们说完再见还不是在心里又留下一份新的痛。
　　亲人，生命，人生驿站的各个路口，能不说再见的时候就不要说，哪怕是一只狗一只猫，因为那背后是痛苦的思念和寂寞。
　　很多人都觉得中国父母比美国父母伟大，因为我们对我们子女的付出是百分之百的，而且这种付出可以从孩子生下来起，一直延续到他的一生。而美国父母则是在孩子18岁以后就让他们独自高飞，自己也从此淡定下来，少管孩子的事了，是不是中国父母对子女更无私？
　　然而同子女血浓于水终生黏一起又如何呢？其实比起美国父母来，中国父母也不见得有多伟大，因为虽然我们对子女的付出是百分之百，但是我们其实也是要他们 来回报的，至少是要他们来回报那份感情债的，特别是在海外，我们这些个家本来就小得不能再小，人丁单薄，落寞寡欢，我们是不是该与子女更紧紧地黏在一起？
　　纠结啊，除了纠结还是纠结，我不想成为女儿的牵挂和负担，因为我想做到真正无私地给她爱，不求任何回报，但我还是那么那么地思念她，想她，只想她多回来 看看我，就只是常常回来看看我而已，别无所求。这种痛，说不出来，更没有人可倾诉，让我非常非常地郁闷。长大了离开家的女儿，如今好像也成了我心脏里的癌 症，爱女儿，是不是就必须要承受那些生命中不能承受之重？
　　写完了这篇短文后，犹豫再三，最后还是决定拿给我女儿看看，觉得这也是一种跟女儿沟通的方式，也想让她知道我这几年来心里的感受和纠结。以下是我女儿的回应：
　　From my experience with friends and peers, I’ve noticed a distinct difference between two groups of college-aged kids. Whenever our school has a break and it’s time for us to go home, out of the kids who want to go home, each one embodies one of two attitudes. One is that they genuinely like their family and want to go home-- maybe because they’re treated like kings and queens by their parents, or they truly love the company of their family. They say to themselves, ＂I’m going home because I like to go home.＂ Contrasting to that is the other attitude that kids have, which is that they feel obligated by their parents to visit them. They feel like they owe something to their parents for funding their schooling or for missing them. They say, ＂I’m going home because I should go home.＂ The first attitude I’ve seen is a thought process that I’ve found with most college students, but the second is one that I’ve found more with Asian college students. Asian parents are known for putting everything into their children and for continuing to monitor them strictly even in college. This makes kids want to give back to them in some way. When a person is pressured to do something, like going back home for every break, this usually makes the trip less enjoyable. It feels like a chore rather than a fun occasion.
　　I’m an exception to this. Although I’m Chinese, I don’t feel obligated to go home for every break. I know that even if I don＂t go home at all, my mom won＂t get mad at me. Since I’m so busy during the school year, when we have fall or winter break, I like to stay on campus for a bit and meet up with friends that I hadn’t seen during the semester because of my crazy schedule. I’m not that person who immediately grabs her clothes, gets in the car, and drives home after her last exam. But instead I make plans for lunch with other people, and I enjoy the freedom to do so instead of being pressured to see my parents. I have a Chinese girl friend that flies back to her hometown each chance she gets, even if it’s just for her mother’s birthday during a weekend. She’s required to Skype with her parents and siblings every Sunday night at 8pm sharp or else receive an angry phone call from her father. Another one of my friends is required to meet up with her mother for lunch once a month. Being chained by my parents is not the type of lifestyle that I want to live.
　　Freedom is my favorite part of college. I love going grocery shopping at 2am without having to tell my mother where I’m going, and I love to eat ice cream for breakfast whenever I feel like it. I like to do bad things every once in awhile-- I’m young, and I should be able to. I also like to decide for myself if I need to study more for an upcoming exam or not, and my mother shouldn’t be poking her head into my study habits unless I’m doing poorly. It’s all a matter of mutual trust between parent and child. Without my parents watching my every move like hungry hawks, I can make decisions for myself based on my own interests and trust that I’m doing what’s best for me instead of for them.
　　Although I appreciate my freedom, I also understand the importance of giving back to my parents. I love them so much, and they’ve sacrificed a ton to get me where I am today. Giving back is not necessarily in the form of Skyping them every weekend, but maybe visiting them for a week at a time 2-3 times a year. Another way I give back is by calling them every once in awhile to give them an update as to how I’m doing, what my plans are, and to ask how they are. I believe that there’s a cycle between parents and children. As children, we should enjoy life to the fullest and be a little selfish. When we have children ourselves, we should give everything to them so that they can enjoy life as we did when we were young. And when they have children, they will give everything to them. This is a continuing cycle. If parents have raised their children correctly, then the children will find some way to give back to their parents. After their kids leave, parents need to adjust their lives and become more independent. They should live their own lives separately from their children’s lives. To me, it’s not the petty things such as coming straight home from school and ignoring your friends to see them that represent giving back. You should definitely visit them every once in awhile and call them, especially when they’re sick or need you.
　　I didn＂t realize that my mother was emotionally struggling so much after I left for college until she told me about this article that she was working on. I feel very touched, and to some degree, shocked. I didn＂t realize that for my freedom and happiness she still needs to sacrifice and suffer that much— that only makes me love my mom more. I＂m really grateful to her because I know that my life would not be the same if she ＂stuck＂ onto me after I grew up. She did the right thing as a mother and I will do the same to my own children someday. I believe that this is the main way I can give back to my parents.
　　后记：
　　我这篇短文的标题可能有点儿吓人，但那也的确是我长久以来心里的 真实感受，以后我还会顺着这个题目继续写下去。这些年，随着我女儿的不断长大，我觉得她给我的震撼越来越多，给我的压力也越来越大，刚开始时，我还以为那 只是我和我女儿之间我们一家子的事，后来和其他一些也有成年女孩子的妈妈们聊过以后才知道，这不仅仅是我家的问题，而是很多华裔家庭比较普遍的问题。
　　本来我们这些华裔女孩子在家一直都是乖宝宝的，她们从小就乖巧听话，对父母言听计从，一直都是顺着一个正常的轨道向着一个光明的前途在运行，可没想到当 她们离开家之后，突然像脱了轨的列车，她们的人生变得歪七扭八，开始在各种问题上挣扎，大至专业的选择，学习时间的管理，交朋友找对象，小至吃饭穿衣花 钱，个人卫生习惯等。当女儿在异地开始神马浮云地挣扎起来之后，这家里的妈妈也义无反顾地跟着一起挣扎，一来一去，摩擦产生，问题不但没有得到解决，反而 使母女产生隔阂，要么是争吵，要么是冷战，结果总是两败俱伤，女儿不愿意沟通，妈妈心力交瘁。
　　我是不是有点夸大了华裔母女之间的问 题？我注意到在华人圈子里有一个有趣的现象：凡是那些离你关系比较远的熟人，从他们那里听到的无不是对自己女儿的一派让人羡慕不已的赞美之词，而那些可以 向你讲真心话的朋友，谈着她们那些长大的女儿都满心的烦恼和无奈，不少妈妈都有这种共同的感觉：女儿就像心脏的癌症。
　　我觉得这真是一个不可忽略的现象，我们这些华裔父母在女儿18岁之前的教育上出了什么问题？我们有没有帮她们作好当个独立的成年人的准备？在她们离开家之后，我们当妈妈的心态是不是也有什么问题？